She clutched to my hand, like there was nothing else on Earth.
My hands shook as i struggled to let go. Let go of her…
My child, my baby. I was leaving her alone. I felt her nails dig deep into my palm, the pain in my hand was nothing compared to the pain in my heart.
NUMB… Where she was concerned I felt everything yet wanted to feel nothing. I wanted to let go of the guilt, to shake of the feelings of despair and anger.
She wouldn’t let me go, so I had to make the conscious decision to let her go. But how could I?
Alas! I had no choice, whether I wanted to leave or not was irrelevant. The disease had taken over my body, it owned me and therefore it controlled whether i lived or died. The choice was made. I would die, at least i could choose how.
Quick and painless or slow and painful. I chose the latter, it meant I could stay with her longer. I lost consciousness of time, days, body temperature, everything, I only lived for her. I saved all my energy so I could flash a smile everyday she walked through my door.
It was getting harder, to smile, to stay awake, to live. I wanted to shut my eyes and drift off, ‘Mother…’ she said in her gentle voice. My eyes opened wide, as i struggled to breathe. ‘ I love you Mommy. You can let go now. You will always be the best thing that ever happened to me.’
I wanted to tell her i loved her, that she had always been my greatest creation, but the words wouldn’t come out. I just clasped tightly to her hand. As my eyes shut slowly, I saw her getting married, having children and being happy. I flashed a smile one last time with all the ounce of energy i had left.
Then we both, at the same time… Let go.